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Early Retirement
Due to the current financial situation Management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early)
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Management to be eligible for the SHAFT Scheme (Special Help AFTer retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW Scheme (SCheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Management.
Persons staying on will receive as much S H I T (Special High Interest Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of S H I T it gives its staff. Should you feel you do not receive enough S H I T please bring it to the attention of your Manager. He has been trained to give you all the S H I T you can handle.
From the offices of The Human Resource Administrator.
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