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PRODUCT WARNINGS AND DISCLAIMERS
Legal disclaimers and warnings are often important, because they point out things that may not be immediately obvious, limiting legal liability for mishaps. But, some statements really make you wonder about the mental states of the manufacturer and the purchaser.
On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
On the bottle-top of a British flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
(Only the truly filthy-minded could misinterpret this one!)
On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Possibly put there because a Pop Tarts consumer complained that toasted Pop Tarts were hot?)
On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)
On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts (and also on packets of other types of nut) -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(Only in litigation-happy America would these instructions be needed; the rest of the world are perfectly able to work these things out themselves without having to involve lawyers)
On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(Brings tears to your eyes just thinking about it and makes you wonder about Swedish sanity!)
On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
On a bar of Dial soap:
DIRECTIONS: USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how ...?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
(But its "just" a suggestion)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE A CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY AFTER TAKING THIS MEDICATION.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
(Which is surely the purpose of the product?)
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