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Heard the one about "If Microsoft ran a restaurant"?
Patron:: Waiter! Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, My name is Bill. I'm your support waiter for this evening. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try looking again, sir, maybe it won't be there this time. We've never had bugs in our soup. It's impossible.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're eating the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead, this might cure the problem.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Did you consider the capacity of the bowl prior to installing the soup?
Patron: Ehh?
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A completely ordinary soup bowl!
Waiter: Are you sure it's a restaurant approved bowl? Does it have our sticker on it?
Patron: It's one of your soup bowls. There are no other soup bowl suppliers in here.
Waiter: Does it have a serial number? I might need to check it for authorised use.
Patron: It's one of your standard bowls. You just brought it to me.
Waiter: Hmmm. Well it should work. No-one else has ever reported this kind of problem before. We never have this sort of problem normally. Indeed, we only set up the waiter service to reassure our customers.
Patron: Well even so, there is still a fly in my soup that you served to me in your restaurant in this bowl.
Waiter: Hmmm, Maybe it's a configuration problem. Have you checked the set up of all the other associated accessories, such as the cruet, the napkin, the way the table cloth has been woven?
Patron: What?
Waiter: Well, how was the bowl set up when you started out?
Patron: Look, you brought me the soup on a large plate a few minutes ago, what's that got to do with the soup bowl set-up?
Waiter: Can you remember precisely everything you did up until the exact moment you noticed the apparent fly in the soup?
Patron: Listen, I sat down, and ordered soup of the day. You brought it over, and there it was.
Waiter: Well, we can try applying our all new Fix-pack 3 to the soup, this comprises a spider that may eat your fly; although it may also introduce other etymological infelicities along the way. Indeed, it could quite possibly poison you. Always remember to back up your soup before applying a fix pack...
Patron: Arrrggghhhhh!
Waiter: OK, OK, but have you also considered upgrading to the latest soup of the day?
Patron: Oh no! You have more than one soup of the day each day?
Waiter: Well yes, the soup of the day is changed every hour or so, just as quickly as we can add enhancements.
Patron: Alright then, what is the soup of the day now?
Waiter: The current soup of the day is a much more advanced soup, called Tomato Soup. (© 1997 Microsoft, TM Microsoft. No unauthorised use of 'tomato' permitted. By anyone. Ever.) It's going to revolutionise soup as we know it. Everyone will use it. We will be greater.
Patron: Fine. OK. I'm hungry, so I'll have it. Bring me the tomato soup and the cheque. I'm running way behind schedule now.
Waiter: Well how about soup NT? We only recommend this for hungry users.
Patron: Listen, Bill: bug-free soup of the day. Now!
(Some time later...)
Waiter: Here you are sir, your soup and the cheque.
Patron: But this is potato soup!
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup hasn't been perfected just yet, so we took the option permitted to us in sub-para 3b of the Standard Patron Agreement that you accepted by implication when you walked through the door, and substituted 'pot' for 'tom'.
Patron: Arrrgghh. OK. It's fine. It looks fly-free. I'll just have to have it. But I never want to come here again.
Waiter: I'm sorry you feel that way sir. As the only restaurant in town, we always try and please our clients; however, if we can't, then screw you, and screw your bug. Have a nice day.
And the bill read:
Soup of the day: £3
Upgrade to newer soup: £1.99
Access to soup support: £10
Waste surcharge: £2
Management time: £5
Additional replacement utensils: £0.99
Window cleaning charge: £4
Total: £38.55
(The cash register uses a three-year-old Pentium.)
Management note:
Apparent 'Bug' feature in original soup was Included for no extra charge. All further soups of the day may not be supplied with this feature enabled.
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