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Affair ........
THE FIRST AFFAIR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took
off for her House where they made passionate love all
afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep,
awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his
clothes,he told the woman to take his shoes outside and
rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless
complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where
have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the
house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair
with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon.
I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." the wife
glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
THE SECOND AFFAIR
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly
beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last
time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying,
the wife finally became pregnant and sure enough, delivered
a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed
into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was
horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to
his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father
of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!".
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling
around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
THE THIRD AFFAIR:
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest
private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the
mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously
huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that,
the man used his tools to remove the dead mans' schlong. He stuffed
his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed
it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe,"
he said, and opened up his briefcase."Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz
is dead!"
THE FOURTH AFFAIR:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move
until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's
this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue,"
she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it
so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even
later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got
out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich
and a glass of milk. "Here,"! he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood
like an idiot at the Smiths for three days, and nobody offered me as much as
a glass of water."
THE FIFTH AFFAIR:
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man. The barman
replied "yes." So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips,peas, and a fried egg?" Certainly Sir," replies
the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the
man. "4 cents," he replies. "FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy
who owns this place?" "Upstairs, with my wife." the man says, "What's he doing
upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replies, "The same thing as I'm doing to
his business."
THE SIXTH AFFAIR:
Jim was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused
him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I
must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,
"everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky.
I....I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
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