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Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American expiriences in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?"
Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."
The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!"
"Shut up, you imbecile." says the father "I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!"
So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"
Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you... Thank you very much!"
A man with a bad stomach complaint sees his family doctor and asks what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted into the back passage.
The man agrees, although reluctantly. The doctor warns the man to expect some discomfort, and then asks him to bend over. The doctor then shoves the thing into his behind. The man experiences some minor discomfort but endures the pain.
Afterwards, the doctor hands the man a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours, using rubber gloves and some KY-Jelly.
Later that evening, the man tries to insert the second suppository. Sure enough, he can't reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and explains what she has to do.
The wife nods and puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him. She uses her free hand to shove the medicine home. The man suddenly screams in horror.
"What's the matter?" asks his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No, but I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
Did you hear the story of the fellow who was cutting across the moor when he came upon an English vicar, who was tied to a tree face in with his pants down around his ankles.
"Oh thank God you've come by, I was abducted and dragged out here by an awful man who tied me to the tree and buggered me!"
"Well", said the fellow, unzipping his fly, "It's not your lucky day, is it?"
*********
A young, lonely guy driving across the country decided to pick up a stunning, blonde hitchhiker.
A few miles into the trek, the blonde started coming onto him, so needless to say, he pulled over to the side of the desolate, deserted road so she could give him some oral pleasure.
Once his pants were down to his ankles, the blonde surprised him with a gun and bound his wrists to his ankles. Then, she robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off with his car.
Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet and began hopping alongside the road in a desperate attempt to get someone's help. A short time later, a trucker pulled up along side the troubled man.
"What happened to you?" asked the trucker, with a grin.
The man explained his plight...
The trucker stepped down from his truck, and as he unzipped his pants he remarked, "This just ain't been your day, has it boy?"
Little Johnny comes home from school one day. His mother asks "How was school?"
Little Johhny replies "I had sex for the first time today!"
Little Johnny's mother is infuriated. She tells Little Johnny to go to his room and wait for his father to get home.
Later, Little Johnny's father comes to his room, sits down and says "Don't tell your mother but congratulations my boy! Sex is great, isn't it?"
The next day, Little Johnny comes home and his father asks "Did you have sex again today, Little Johnny?"
Little Johnny replies "No, my butt still hurts from yesterday."
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.
The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a pee, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a sh_t, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I pee like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I sh_t like a pig.
"Then what's the problem" they ask.
The problem is, I don't wake up 'til eleven."
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
The officer wanting to be sure so he asked "Please step out of the car and show me."
So he got out with the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the tests they're giving now!"
When Henry Ford died, St. Peter meets him at the gates of heaven and says that since his inventions changed the world, like the automobile assembly line, that he can hang out with anybody he wants to in heaven. Henry Ford thinks a minute and says that he wants to meet God. "God?" says St. Peter, "O.K!" So Henry is escorted to God's throneroom and the two are introduced.
"God," says Henry, "When you invented women, what were you thinking?" What do you mean says God. Henry says "I've noticed a few screwups in your design." "Flaws, what flaws?" asks God.
"Well", says Henry, "First off, there's too much front end protrusion, it chatters too much at high speed and maintenance is extremely too high." "It constantly needs repainting and refinishing, is out of commission 5 or 6 of 28 days, the rearend wobbles too much, the intake is placed too close to the exhaust system, the headlights are usually too small and fuel consumption is outrageous....."
Wait a second, says God, while he enters a few things into his computer. The results come back and God tells Henry, "My invention may be flawed, but this report shows that more men are riding my model than yours!"
While out riding one
day a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a
dog and a sheep and began a conversation.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: Look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at Indian.
Dog:: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: Look of total disbelief
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: Extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in a
shed to protect me."
Indian: Total look of utter amazement
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."
How It Happened
And God populated the earth with broccoli
and cauliflower and spinach, green and
yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent
double-cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man,"You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Supersize them."
And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt,
that woman might keep her figure that
man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate.
And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream.
And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart
healthy vegetables and olive oil with
which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried
steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds and his
bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and
Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote
control so Man would not have to toil to
change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained pounds.
And God said,
"You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato,
a vegetable naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin
and sliced the starchy center into chips
and deep-fat fried them.
And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control
and ate the potato chips
swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created
quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMO's.
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