1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling
apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out
of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.
12. It was so different before everything changed.
13. Some day's you're the dog, and some day's you're the
hydrant.
14. Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.
15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay
resident.
16. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
17. I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.
18. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the
back seat cause kids.
19. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the
sudden stop at the end.
20. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.
21. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a trip
around the sun.
22. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if
you are in the bathroom.
23. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them
on my knees.
24. Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run (he
hates that).
25. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
26.When you are finally holding all the cards, why does
everyone else decide to play chess.
27. If you are living on the edge, make sure you are wearing
your seatbelt.
28. There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead.
29. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
30. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
31. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one
can die.
32. Its not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
33. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the
better attorney.
34. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.